" I want you" is my favorite phrase out of my youngest babes mouth. It makes me melt into a million pieces. This is what Cade says when he just wants ME. He wants me to hold him. He wants me to snuggle and love him. He wants to just be with me. It makes me feel so incredibly loved. I know this phrase will fade away for him like all other cute phrases that come and go in a toddlers vocabulary, however I will always cherish this one!
As I began pondering this phrase, I really started thinking about a want that I have. A want that has really taken me by surprise. A want that really compares to Cade's request for his Mommy. This want was for the sweet little girl that we thought might possibly be our next daughter.Her name was Carmen. I never laid eyes on her, yet I wanted her with every bit of my heart and soul. This took me by surprise because I didn't know I could feel such want for a child that was not mine. You see, we have been praying for many years about adopting. This year, we felt the Lord nudge our hearts that this was the year. We began digging through books, seeking adoption information, asking for prayer support and readying our hearts for a new child. I have been very hesitant in the adoption idea from the moment Keith presented it to me. I always worried that I would not love a child that was not birthed by me. Keith was patient. He just presented to me what he felt like the Lord had impressed upon his heart and he began praying, that was 5 years ago. In the five years, I felt the Lord gently whispering in my ear that I could do this. The gentle whisper grew to a steady voice. Now it rings through my whole body. The Lord has been so bold in wooing my heart to his calling for our family. The last call was LOUD and CLEAR. In April we received a call from a friend that there was a child in foster care that needed a home. You see, I always felt like we would just get a call one day out of the blue that there was a child that needed a family. I believe in the beginning that feeling was just because it would be an easy way to adopt. No figuring out who, how, where..... When the call never came, we believed the Lord wanted us to take the next step and seek a child. Thats where we were in this process. In fact we were going to the adoption agency that very week for an appointment to begin that process. So, when the call came that there was a child, you can only imagine how I felt! Words can't describe it. The only comparison I can give is that it felt the same way when I found out I had conceived my firstborn, after being infertile for nearly two years. For the next four weeks after the phone call I prayed minute by minute for this sweet child. I longed for her. envisioned her in my home as my daughter, Britton, Chesney and Cade's sister. I WANTED HER. The transformation in my heart was from the Lord. He has called us to adopt. He has called us to open our heart and home for a child that doesn't have a home. He opened my eyes to see that I can and will LOVE this child the same as my others. Why I ever questioned that I could love a child is beyond me, because I get it now! I was once blind, but now I see..
As for precious Carmen, we have just found out that she will not be our child. The foster family that has her now is pursing adopting her. It was really hard to hear that news, yet a wave of peace washed over me as well. For my God has called me to open my mind and heart to love a child as my own. He knows who, when, where and how. I know now that I am ready. So all that to say baby girl, whoever you are, I want you. I long for you. I can't wait to have you in our home in my arms hearing you call me Mommy. I am praying for you tonight!!
